It has taken me several months to feel ready to start writing about the experiences this year has brought to my family. Each night I intend to write, I just can’t. I haven’t known where to start or how to express the journey we are on. So here I am, writing our journey through infant loss and maintaining hope one small step at a time.
First, I have to say as I write this story of loss I have very few answers.
Today as I drove in the car with tears streaming down my face, I realized I don’t have to have answers to this type of loss to help others. I have noticed that infant loss seems to be a taboo or rather a hushed conversation. To me this is sad for those of us that have experienced it. It makes it feel like because our sweet beloved child was small possibly the loss is lesser. I believe in actuality it’s likely hushed because it is such an overwhelming sad scenario that many cannot fathom.
I told my sweet baby daughter, only small in my womb, that she would live on with me always as I shared our story.
To start writing this down is hard but my hope is that maybe one mother might read and follow along with me on my journey of hope and healing and feel a little less alone.
For now I will say that my peace and hope ebb as I grieve. It is definitely much more difficult as her due date comes sooner and sooner. I catch myself humoring where I would be with her now just a few months until delivery. Today as I sobbed, I imagined the beautiful pregnant tummy I wish I had and the baby stuff I know I would be organizing and preparing right now. It is Fall and I would likely be getting maternity pictures with the beautiful warm colors of the season in the background. I imagined today I would be cueing my oldest daughter to prepare for her little sister she was so thrilled to have. She would tell me throughout my pregnancy how much her little sis would be a princess and she would love her “FOR-EBER”.
I can’t. This is where I stop for today. I am in a place in my life where normalcy and what was expected to happen from years of hopes and prayers will never come to pass with the daughter I lost. It’s a place I accept although, I feel very uncomfortable in this place in my life that feels foreign at times.
When I write again I will start from the beginning with the day I expected a perfectly healthy little girl and instead something very bad was missing when I saw her in ultrasound. Maintaining hope through infant loss IS POSSIBLE, let’s do this together! Dovidenia.